October 2, 2001
Arborwear
Dear Paul and Bill:
I hope all is well with you and yours. I met you both at the International ISA Conference in
Milwaukee; it may refresh your memory to think of what I believe was your only sale of an Arborwear
knit “gangsta style” watch cap, that was me. I was also accompanying Scott Prophett, innovative
mind behind the first generation PSP redesign for the side pocket of Arborwear pants. However, if
you still cannot place me, know that it is quite immaterial to the matter at hand, and that my self-
esteem has suffered no blow from your collective lack of short-term memory.
The purpose of this missive is to inform you of the recent successes of two expeditions that
Arborwear unofficially sponsored, and to pass along some photos thereof. You may wish to pass
these photos on to the appropriate news agencies in a carefully worded press release or perhaps
just put them up on the wall and shoot at them with BB guns. In any case, as the sole living
organism in the photographs, I will be happy to sign any releases you or your lawyers deem
necessary and prudent. I refer to you and your outstanding corporation as “unofficial” sponsors of
these expeditions for two reasons: 1) You were completely unaware that the expeditions were taking
place, and thus were unable to offer huge amounts of generous capital and/or material support. 2)
The only sign of your corporation’s existence on the expeditions was the aforementioned Arborwear
knit cap.
The two expeditions in question were the 2001 Arborwear Mt. Adams Summit Attempt and the 2001
Arborwear Jones Island Kayak Circumnavigation and Freedive. As mentioned earlier both expeditions
were entirely successful in their goals, yet a glaring problem became quite obvious after the
expedition’s photographs were developed by the fine technicians at the local Target, namely poor
product placement. As you will note while perusing the pictures, either I need a much larger head or
the Arborwear logo on your fine knit caps needs to be much larger. Both of these options seem
rather drastic to myself as the expedition leader, and in the matter of making my head larger,
perhaps not even feasible. I would suggest on future expeditions the addition of a banner with
Arborwear’s lovely corporate logo on it, thus making it possible for me, as expedition leader, to
make the Arborwear name known and shown in a variety of hitherto untouched, and perhaps
unneeded markets. A catchy slogan would not be remiss in these forays into unknown ground,
something like, “Arborwear, it’s not just for tree climbing anymore.” The momentum already started
by the listing of Arborwear products in Outside magazine’s best gear issue could only help in this
endeavor, and leads me to believe we will see a day when multitudes of young software engineers
with too much disposable income, wander the mountains and islands of this great land aimlessly, fine
Arborwear products adorning their pale flaccid forms.
Unfortunately, our expedition photographer picked up a nasty case of Dengue fever and New Guinea
flatworm at a pizza place we stopped at upon our return to civilization, thus there are a limited
number of photographs enclosed. Hopefully the Center for Disease Control will soon lift his personal
quarantine, and I will be able to send along more photographs, not that you have the slightest
interest in seeing more photographs, but in case you were unaware, this is not all about you, rather
it is most assuredly about the fine articles of clothing you produce, thus your interests and
disinterests have little bearing on the grand scheme of things. I have also enclosed a separate sheet
with descriptions of what the individual photographs portray, thus enabling you to understand what
in the world you are looking at.
I will do my best to keep you informed of future expeditions that may be undertaken bearing the
Arborwear banner of freedom and fine clothing. Presently under consideration by the planning
committee are a winter ascent of Mount Baker with a ski/snowboard descent, a human powered
ascent from sea level, meaning we would walk or bicycle with all our gear to the trailhead, of Mount
Rainier, and a speedline descent from the Space Needle in downtown Seattle into Puget Sound,
followed immediately by an egress open-water swim to West Seattle. I remain your most faithful and
devoted servant, and thank you once again for allowing me to purchase, for quite a modest amount,
the fine Arborwear knit cap that led the way as we endeavored to persevere.
Sincerely,
House Tain
Arborwear Expedition Leader
